[I may have written some of this before. Also, sorry if this gets a bit too personal. I have been wanting to write about this for a while, yet mind was never clear. High brain activities, foul moods, feelings of distress, lack of social interactions, etc.]
It first came to me during my working days in Gempol. Upon jumping to bed last night and pulling my bed sheet this morning, I didn’t feel good. The momentum was going lower any time. There is this irksome thought as well of not having anyone with whom I feel at ease sharing my profound thoughts in the same living space.
Anyway. I’m not gonna vent here. I am, except, crawling towards the surface of my boiling stew of emotions and the volcano of my internal conflicts. I often find myself spinning wheels and wondering what really is right from wrong and whom to trust..
I wrote something about my childhood, about how I was destined to be a prodigy because I did everything right and my parents were so proud. Despite the praise and blessings, there were shadows of doubt who kept pointing their fingers at me and telling me that I was wrong. I went ahead and consequently initiated a remedy past my actions, but they were never sufficient. Did I break the rules? Was I a rebellious kid that needed to be disciplined? Not really. There was/is more to it even now.
I began distrusting people and being skeptical towards certain subjects. I deemed what was blurry to be wrong at all. It then snowballed. I barely listened to anyone because everyone’s words flat out upset me (for no particular reason). The opinion of others had directly impinged upon MY opinion of them.
My time during schools flew away in a blink yet memorable. Granted, my ignorance has paid for my time there. What significance(s) of school has proved itself/themselves to be distinctly useful [apart from the diplomas I inevitably obtained]? Did these schools (and their offensive inhabitants followed by crooked systems) play a notable role that brought me to my current state as of this very moment?
I thought I would breeze through elementary-primary-secondary schools with a vast number of friends, but my social anxiety got in the way and bested me [and still does sometimes]. They just, in fact…. gradually disappeared from my life year by year (and they did never seem to care either) while I had nothing under my strength to prevent that from happening. People seem to be a faithful servant of change and I find myself once again begging for a life preserver..
So here I am sitting, staring at my screen with unsettled thoughts being elsewhere about where to go from this point [after my seemingly upcoming resignation] and little to no determination in taking these subsequent blind steps “merely” because I feel the need to have some-if not any-moral support and/or companionship. Every idle/unfinished task adds another chill to my spines while I tremble already with enough fear, wondering whom I should chance speaking with about what’s bothering me..