Real Life Batman


While Batman seems to be the most sensible and rational superhero with no superpowers or any help from mutated spider and actualizing him being the closest to someone incarnating any fictional character, I’d say no, that thing can’t exist in reality. We could have all the money in the world, spend all the time learning martial arts, forensics, chemistry, history, geography, and criminology, even wear a shiny outfit that saves us from all kinds of bullets and knives and tasers, and we still couldn’t be him.

The brilliance of Bob Kane and Bill Finger has driven us to a level of expectation where, provided with enough funds and training, anyone could be Batman. The character is a mere fantasy and will always be. What makes him Batman is his mind, character, willpower, and resolve, not his gadgets nor wealth. Someone, somewhere may have the perfect genes required to go through all that training and enough funds to afford everything here, and that will only make him as strong a crime-fighter as Batman.

Try joining a military camp, and while you’re at it, take majors in criminology, forensics, and science. Additionally, you might want to take weekend courses in detective work to improve your crime-solving skills. Keep your body in shape, and it should take you about at least 10 years (or more), and congratulations, you just finished the most fundamental level of preparation in order to clone Batman in terms of his obvious expertise!

Now you’ll have to quit your camp and establish a background story about yourself. Never reveal your true feelings or intentions. Be as dark as you may and shroud yourself in the deepest pit of darkness. Done? Good, now try running from one rooftop to another at night and familiarize yourself with your movement. Learn to use ropes and grapples as they will be helpful in your long errand. Oh, and do everything without being seen by the pedestrians – they will peculiarly suspect you for potential theft act!

You can’t hide the grin on your face as the day you plan on spending all the huge crapload of money that you’ve been saving the entire time has come. Get a black armored suit (don’t forget the cape), make sure everything is made from Kevlar, and implement an AI-based virtual assistant on it. Oh, and a mask that comes with night vision. You’ll also need a base where you’ll plan all your crime-banishing operations. You’ll want to install computers and monitoring tools and vehicles and tons of other cool shit inside because, you’re the Batman!

Hooray, all preparations are done, and you can ultimately embark on your first adventure as Batman. So off you go, riding the Batpod, and looking for crimes everywhere on the street. Surprisingly, a kid points his finger to your car and it gets crowded all of sudden. People are taking pictures of you using their cellphone. Oh no, you may not be seen! Applying maximum pressure to your pedal, you run away and successfully hide. You then just realized that crime scenes mostly happen at least after midnight, so you wait…

It’s 1 a.m. and you almost fall asleep, but the transmission from police radio calls excites you. Good thing you have that shit installed on your mask so you can directly hear what they say. There’s a gang brawl in XYZ street! You immediately rush there, but too bad the main road to reach the location is closed because it’s late night already, so you have to take another route which demands another 15 minutes. You can’t risk that much time, because the police will already be there first and your first task will be spoiled. You think carefully, what would Batman do in this kind of situation?

You see an old building, and you realize that beneath the building lies your target. You take out your climbing equipment and slowly crawl your way up to the top. Man, this takes forever! Even with all the training you have done, it still takes about 10 minutes to reach the top, but thanks to the Gravity God, gliding down is easy!


You finally step on your first battlefield with all your might and masculinity, but ouch, the landing wasn’t too successful. You expect a fight right at the moment you land, but nope. They gaze at you in amazement, like some kind of Messiah, except it is the real thing. The suit, the cape, the mask, the bat logo.. They can’t believe it, and you wouldn’t feel any less heroic than attacking some astonished, dumbfounded street kids who were actually doing night karate practice.

EEEEE OOOOO EEEEE OOOOO WOOOP WOOP WOOP!! Shit, the police siren ruins your fanboy-ing moment. The kids immediately run away. You try to run after them, but your leg hurts due to the bad landing earlier, but you still insist to run because you are the darkness and you can’t be seen. You think you are fast, but nope. You tumble over a hole and injure your ribs badly. You decide to take your ripped cape off because it just slows you down, but a little part of you denies it and keeps telling you that the Batman soul lies within you.

You keep running. Your pace gets slower while the police are getting closer to you, until you get surrounded by several police cars. The police pull their guns and command you to stop. As a Batman, you can’t get caught just yet! There must be some way around. Relying much on your instinct, you try to reach a nearby barrel to hide your getaway, but sadly, the cops foresee your plan and fire away a bullet…

You’re awake. Your body feels painful and you can’t move several parts of your body. Your outfits are gone, instead, you are now wearing hospital pajamas. There’s a pair of handcuff stuck between your hands, and since you have dealt with locks before, it’s no biggie. You feel like escaping and planning another operation but your body is too weak, yet you still force your luck. On the way to your base, you fall asleep due to the medicine you took earlier. The next day, you wake up at prison infirmary with 3 policemen guarding you until your first court appearance.

You mumble to yourself in pain, “Fuck you, Bruce.”


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